Human Be-in

01 08 2026 9AM I'm here day 1 after my first peer support meeting. nothing complicated, jus natural organic thots n actions. taking a breath. taking a moment just to caaaalm, find peace, simply be human. simply be. it's morning. I feel calm. and myself. 2 wonderful achievements that require, really . . no huge real effort. thot: if I can offer my Self one of these moments, I probably can offer my Self two.

9:27AM being a reasonable being. having reasonable thots n feelings. my curiousity is reasonable. being open is reasonable. feeling hurt unwanted unloved is reasonable and all the feelings orbiting around and within thos, well, all of that gunk. gunk mail. gunk male. yooov got gunk, male . . ha! well thas reasonable too.

9:35AM giving loving taking wanting wishing holding . . uh. holding. hm. what I am holding when I walk into the room. what I hold in the room. within me. my entire Life experiences . . Life hurts n luv n trauma n wounds . . n loneliness. and abandonment. the strength to navigate thru this experience, my strength, which is mine . . which I developed myself, when I was developing my Self, leading my Self. parenting myself. my strength.

10:07PM had one close call with trich today. but pulled away from it mindfully, then chose to take a breath, exert will power, offered my Self a choice then chose not to. had some wonderful revelations today too. stressful $ stuff in the evening. now in bed so glad and yeah I'm still me. hey that's very good.

01 09 2026 9:05AM day 2, morning here, when I'm open, when I'm new. casually capturing a fleeting thot, before it flies away: all the things I am, all the things I'm not, all the perceptions I have of my Self are: changing, timeless, momentary, cumulative, a copingness, a bridge, a funhouse mirror, a fraction of a mirror, an expression of how I feel or what I wish for or a beautiful and angular sculpture, both fragile and strong - and an expression of Freedom to be me under all circumstances. because that's human. because that's me. and hey . . jus cuz. today, I will value that Freedom to be me. today, I value me.

01 10 2026 8:06AM day 3, sometimes I'm a blank page, terra incognito, full, but empty. not in a vacant sense, just pure presence. all channels open. air waves humming. or is that quiet? I'm writing a lot or a little. but I'm writing. and this feels good. today, I aim to take pleasure in reading, being able to read, being able to write even just one word. I will note, find comfort, sweetness or even humour! that I am pure energy in the world. and part of a whole. I have inherent value. even in my quiet. and in simply just being. I will value that. I will remember that the special thing that is happening, is being who I am . . now.

3:50AM day 3, reminder to Self, here and now: I do not have to default to requiring my Self to be a Superhero who requires (needs? demands? attracts?) Superproblems Supercrises Superawfuldynamics Superconflict Supertoxicity etc to validate my worth, value, existence - Super or otherwise. I can simply be Human, Mortal, Me - fragile to strong to unknown, and be perfectly imperfect in the world. and there is a perfect imperfect place for me in it.

01 11 2026 7:07AM day 4, I am flawed, my days n nights are angular, the emotional arc of my days n nights can swoop up n down, skid out, take n unexpected u-turn, veer out of control, become centered n serene, put in park near a cliff to enjoy the wide beautiful view or feel harrowing yet familiar suspense at the edge of . . what? being Human? transformation? nothing? being free? today, on a hunch, I will revisit the concept of wabi sabi, make a pencil drawing, find goodness in mystery and or take a long breath with my eyes closed with no expectation other than to complete that breath and be present.

01 12 2026 7:07AM day 5, woke up from a repetitive anxiety dream. in the dream, beyond the changing details, I feel a certain pressure of relentless pursuit or challenge or situation - really all of those in one situation. a situation that is barely within my control, experienced in liminal or peripheral urban areas that mirror LA and San Francisco. whether falling into a dream (anxiety dream in this case) or out of one and into waking state, the message is clear: anxiety resulting from trauma is something I carry with me . . wherever I go. the traumatized, wounded or more accurately . . the Healing-In-Progress Child is a tender part of me. but not all of me. I also carry a parent, teacher, friend, mentor, adventure partner to accompany my Child. perhaps, an admirer, observer, advisor or soother too. plus a playful trickster, shaman and comedian. all shades of me. all in various degrees of in-progress healing. all seeking integration while finding voice. finding? seems that is my voice. for now. so today, I will let my voice be whatever it is. I will let me be me. and let my song be as harmonic and or dissonant as it needs or wants to be. like music where the song is also between the notes, my story is being told between the notes. so I will listen to that silence. and I will value that silence today.

01 13 2026 5:26AM today, I'm hangin in there. today, I acknowledge my inherent worth, my inherent value and a place a connection that is for me. I am. and I am going to remember to set time out to grieve cuz it's been the easiest thing for me to forget n leave off my plate, yet one of the most important things for me to do and feel. I will feel centered inside what feels like a storm, or many storms all around and within me. I will value being able to feel. and reach out. and convey my humanity.

01 14 2026 8:24AM bending with (through?) the chaos. I suppose it's better than being bent by it. but is that possible? had a very chaotic dream with the usual elements all related to extreme and persistent precarity: chaos, escape, desperate solution-finding, working with limited or dangerous options, going it alone, improvisation, cocked n loaded gatekeepers unaware/aware of their damaged power, unpredictability, convuluted, mixedup, reversed or no boundaries, the sadness of waste, futilty, experience as endurance test, preservation. preservation of what? innocence, imagination, charm, individuality, safety. the Child. Love? ah. as usual, the context of Love opens up a larger, wider, more varied n rich matrix and mixture, a remix if u will - a context at the Heart of survival. the Heart of the matter. Love.

01 15 2026 2:59AM I had an extremely difficult time yesterday. but I did manage to do: some writing, quick journaling, dream documenting + interpretation, nudged my Self to be centered and or remain calm (at times), offer fairness, use boundaries, deep dive into trauma origins + manifestations + difficult foundational terrain, ate well, acknowledge my worth + selfworth issues, valued this chat space here, considered personal life achievements, grieved, offloaded responsibility more fairly and as usual, was simply me. My trich has been extremely minimal since my first formal experience in the peer group last week + engaging with this chat. yesterday, I also acknowledged how Love and Survival were deeply weaponized on a foundational level (childhood) and thus entangled. huge source of hurt and many difficult hurtful experiences. well. this Human story continues