Human Be-in
01 08 2026 9AM I'm here day 1 after my first peer support meeting. nothing complicated, jus natural organic thots n actions. taking a breath. taking a moment just to caaaalm, find peace, simply be human. simply be. it's morning. I feel calm. and myself. 2 wonderful achievements that require, really . . no huge real effort. thot: if I can offer my Self one of these moments, I probably can offer my Self two.
9:27AM being a reasonable being. having reasonable thots n feelings. my curiousity is reasonable. being open is reasonable. feeling hurt unwanted unloved is reasonable and all the feelings orbiting around and within thos, well, all of that gunk. gunk mail. gunk male. yooov got gunk, male . . ha! well thas reasonable too.
9:35AM giving loving taking wanting wishing holding . . uh. holding. hm. what I am holding when I walk into the room. what I hold in the room. within me. my entire Life experiences . . Life hurts n luv n trauma n wounds . . n loneliness. and abandonment. the strength to navigate thru this experience, my strength, which is mine . . which I developed myself, when I was developing my Self, leading my Self. parenting myself. my strength.
10:07PM had one close call with trich today. but pulled away from it mindfully, then chose to take a breath, exert will power, offered my Self a choice then chose not to. had some wonderful revelations today too. stressful $ stuff in the evening. now in bed so glad and yeah I'm still me. hey that's very good.
01 09 2026 9:05AM day 2, morning here, when I'm open, when I'm new. casually capturing a fleeting thot, before it flies away: all the things I am, all the things I'm not, all the perceptions I have of my Self are: changing, timeless, momentary, cumulative, a copingness, a bridge, a funhouse mirror, a fraction of a mirror, an expression of how I feel or what I wish for or a beautiful and angular sculpture, both fragile and strong - and an expression of Freedom to be me under all circumstances. because that's human. because that's me. and hey . . jus cuz. today, I will value that Freedom to be me. today, I value me.
01 10 2026 8:06AM day 3, sometimes I'm a blank page, terra incognito, full, but empty. not in a vacant sense, just pure presence. all channels open. air waves humming. or is that quiet? I'm writing a lot or a little. but I'm writing. and this feels good. today, I aim to take pleasure in reading, being able to read, being able to write even just one word. I will note, find comfort, sweetness or even humour! that I am pure energy in the world. and part of a whole. I have inherent value. even in my quiet. and in simply just being. I will value that. I will remember that the special thing that is happening, is being who I am . . now.
3:50AM day 3, reminder to Self, here and now: I do not have to default to requiring my Self to be a Superhero who requires (needs? demands? attracts?) Superproblems Supercrises Superawfuldynamics Superconflict Supertoxicity etc to validate my worth, value, existence - Super or otherwise. I can simply be Human, Mortal, Me - fragile to strong to unknown, and be perfectly imperfect in the world. and there is a perfect imperfect place for me in it.
01 11 2026 7:07AM day 4, I am flawed, my days n nights are angular, the emotional arc of my days n nights can swoop up n down, skid out, take n unexpected u-turn, veer out of control, become centered n serene, put in park near a cliff to enjoy the wide beautiful view or feel harrowing yet familiar suspense at the edge of . . what? being Human? transformation? nothing? being free? today, on a hunch, I will revisit the concept of wabi sabi, make a pencil drawing, find goodness in mystery and or take a long breath with my eyes closed with no expectation other than to complete that breath and be present.
01 12 2026 7:07AM day 5, woke up from a repetitive anxiety dream. in the dream, beyond the changing details, I feel a certain pressure of relentless pursuit or challenge or situation - really all of those in one situation. a situation that is barely within my control, experienced in liminal or peripheral urban areas that mirror LA and San Francisco. whether falling into a dream (anxiety dream in this case) or out of one and into waking state, the message is clear: anxiety resulting from trauma is something I carry with me . . wherever I go. the traumatized, wounded or more accurately . . the Healing-In-Progress Child is a tender part of me. but not all of me. I also carry a parent, teacher, friend, mentor, adventure partner to accompany my Child. perhaps, an admirer, observer, advisor or soother too. plus a playful trickster, shaman and comedian. all shades of me. all in various degrees of in-progress healing. all seeking integration while finding voice. finding? seems that is my voice. for now. so today, I will let my voice be whatever it is. I will let me be me. and let my song be as harmonic and or dissonant as it needs or wants to be. like music where the song is also between the notes, my story is being told between the notes. so I will listen to that silence. and I will value that silence today.
01 13 2026 5:26AM today, I'm hangin in there. today, I acknowledge my inherent worth, my inherent value and a place a connection that is for me. I am. and I am going to remember to set time out to grieve cuz it's been the easiest thing for me to forget n leave off my plate, yet one of the most important things for me to do and feel. I will feel centered inside what feels like a storm, or many storms all around and within me. I will value being able to feel. and reach out. and convey my humanity.
01 14 2026 8:24AM bending with (through?) the chaos. I suppose it's better than being bent by it. but is that possible? had a very chaotic dream with the usual elements all related to extreme and persistent precarity: chaos, escape, desperate solution-finding, working with limited or dangerous options, going it alone, improvisation, cocked n loaded gatekeepers unaware/aware of their damaged power, unpredictability, convuluted, mixedup, reversed or no boundaries, the sadness of waste, futilty, experience as endurance test, preservation. preservation of what? innocence, imagination, charm, individuality, safety. the Child. Love? ah. as usual, the context of Love opens up a larger, wider, more varied n rich matrix and mixture, a remix if u will - a context at the Heart of survival. the Heart of the matter. Love.
01 15 2026 2:59AM I had an extremely difficult time yesterday. but I did manage to do: some writing, quick journaling, dream documenting + interpretation, nudged my Self to be centered and or remain calm (at times), offer fairness, use boundaries, deep dive into trauma origins + manifestations + difficult foundational terrain, ate well, acknowledge my worth + selfworth issues, valued this chat space here, considered personal life achievements, grieved, offloaded responsibility more fairly and as usual, was simply me. My trich has been extremely minimal since my first formal experience in the peer group last week + engaging with this chat. yesterday, I also acknowledged how Love and Survival were deeply weaponized on a foundational level (childhood) and thus entangled. huge source of hurt and many difficult hurtful experiences. well. this Human story continues
6:35PM early evening check in and mini goal setting: less stress today then yesterday, but noticed a slight uptick in my trich. just a little, but a change nonetheless. I swtiched out my impulsive trich behaviour to ease into a more aware intentional state. perhaps, the trich was a delayed reaction - offloading major tension anxiety from yesterday's difficult stressful situation. I noticed a slight uptick in negative selftalk today too, so. . . here tonite to remind my Self to let go of the negative selftalk. take a breath, close my eyes for a moment, and feel my worth and care for my Self. noting that I can certainly put this wiggy energy aside or even laugh at myself and my neurosis and send out a note of positive energy out into the cosmos. I really can do that. I am consciousness having a human experience. ok now acknowledging a positive change. spontaneous reminder: loving and liking my Self can be easy. I just need to want it.
01 16 2026 3:17PM manic panic anxiety helplessness. feelin on edge while being on the edge n jus feelin angry. tuff day thus far, feelin sensitive, trigger-able certainly. this was much of my morning, now it's after 3PM, somehow resistent to striking up a change, but know that's an option. resilience is weak, so the anger masking sadness. yep. the strain of so much to hold here, carry within the body, within the mind. feelin ugh.
01 17 2026 2:48AM woke up from anxiety dream again. this one involved me wanting needing gaining or making attempts at gaining a lift from a party at a bar late in the evening to whatever makeshift insecure home situation, with 2 giant suitcases with me and all the anxiety suspense vulnerability that comes with that task slash endurance test. the dream was about being out of control. and deep and wound-centric identification with masochism. sadly. being led and or at the whims of survival and other people's whims empathy disfunction sublimated sadistic identity etc. all of this has origins in my foundational experiences of growing up in a chaotic environment where neglect, transference, projection, emotional abuse, abandonment, no boundaries, isolation and unrestricted acting out of unresolved trauma amounted to an intense feeling of being feeling, no, being helpless and completely out of control. well almost completely. I would, at an very early age, lean in heavily and openheartedly into independent thought and freethinking, individuation and trusting my Self in almost every situation. if only (at first) out of coping and for survival and self preservation. this will have its share of drawbacks though. down the line.
4:59PM now. having gone thru some very rough n raw totally tuff days this week, I'm baking some keto chocolate chip cookies, listening to some gentle ambient music from Japan, still feelin raw but present with empathy towards my Self. I observe my worth, my sweetness and fragility. my humanity. I observe my hurt, sadness, anger and grief, near crying now. the pursuit to heal. the pursuit to confront wounds. to be inquisitive. to be oneself. to become integrated. and unified. and not fragmented, but Whole. I observe to Love oneself. is. well. to Love oneslife. I made some drawings, did some writing during this past very difficult week. I will continue to do so, while being present. defiant. and me.
01 18 2026 7:29PM have that skatin on thin ice feelin. nervous anxious excited. a tad wiggy. eased my trich back to a minimal-to-neutralized state, where it was prior to this past very very difficult week - post-peer gruppe session (my first) after finally giving my Self permission to reign it in, go gently on myself and not just confine my powers n identity to: just coping or struggling to cope or not to coping at all. surely I'm more than just being a successful or non-successful coper. anti-coper? coper delinquent? coper rejector?
I must be more than my wounds and my ability to heal. so. who am I without that?
01 19 2026 2:10AM I feel I'm on the cusp of something.
7:50AM its early morning here, feel open but tentative. nervous on edge anxious all day yesterday, so residue from that mostly. deep breath, push thru reluctance to, em, push thru (see, battle fatigue) and set a modest goal here on the fly in this chat. hmmm . . will take a deep breath when I recognize anxiety creeping in. will recognize my grace n worth beyond how or if I am coping. will selftalk the words: I Am - a few times today. gently escort myself away from trich enactions (as I have been doing) if they appear and gently escort, no, assure my Self to fine simple emotional spiritful areas within me where I feel loved and valued on my terms. I Am
01 21 2026 2:18PM coming off of feelin anger rage hurt
01 22 2026 10:06AM today, I plan to offload quickly, any tension stress anxiety stemming from things that are out of my control and or can be more fairly reprioritized as trivial, momentary, temporary and unaligned with me in important ways (anyway!). I wil gently nudge my Self to simply feeling good about being alive, having inherent intrinsic worth and value, offering a unique voice & Spirit & character. I will commit to observing my Self, and even the tension, difficulties etc as Energy. special note: I pulled the Hawk medicine card, teaching me to be observant of the obvious in everything that I do, Life sending me signals and Life is the initiation - and I will include these in my check-in & goals for today and moving forward. extra special reminder note: hey. I am Human and that is enough. Loving and liking that is easy . . especially when I say and acknowledge that it is. I Am
01 23 2026 7:45AM lil goals n reminders for me today include: setting out a minute or 2 to appreciate all the things I am, all the things I'm not, things that are meaningful to me now n perhaps throughout my life, valuing all the experiences I've had - and this includes trich(!), as it is a portal to deepening n expanding understanding my Self, diving deep n openly into the hidden or offlimits places within, no-go zones, where my trauma hurt pain lives, wounds that want to be acknowledged, touched, affirmed, healed . . then set free. my goal today is to know that I can do these things, heal n be transformed, easily, lovingly and with deep appreciation for simply being human.
01 25 2026 1:46AM woke up from dream where at the end of it I ran into George Harrison who I tell n share the song She Used To Drive Me Around by Jon Auer. In the dream I am crying when describing it and hesring it. I wake up in near tears and realize what my repetitive dreams, anxiously rosming around liminal spaces are about and the prime experience of my waking life : going from place to place trying to get close to someone.
01 29 2026 3:55AM my trich is very minimal to nil. gentle reminder to my Self to be gentle. continue to be and show clarity, assurance and gentle strength, be the parent I never had, when escorting and guiding myself through this journey. this journey of discovery, healing and transformation. also. I need not do this perfectly. I can do this with an open heart.
01 30 2026 2:31PM spontaneous and cuz I need to hear it today reminder that: just cuz I feel a certain way, does not mean I must behave a certain way. I have choices. I can be an active participant in my behaviours and reactions, if I want or as needed. and even they may not be exactly perfect or suitable - so I can make lil subtle adjustments too. I feel the point is, for me, not simply defaulting to behaviour patterns. I can leave room to explore new reactions, trying things out for size, tossing things out quickly that don't work rather than ruminating on failure, and just finding creating flow, no matter how angular or even short term, and lil improvements, till I simply feel, well . . till I feel ok! I Am. and I am still growing and learning.
02 01 2026 12:24PM small but potent check-in reminder surprise insight this morning during meditation : I realized that, for me, grieving is a form of tribute to various aspects of experience. mini goals for today include grieving, offering or igniting healing and paying tribute to my difficult wounding traumatic experiences. and that kid inside, who creatively developed coping self-soothing methods, such as trich and early individuation, to find relief, comfort, acknowledgement of self and yeah . . love. offering my Self kindness and assuredness while moving and holding all that today.
02 05 2026 2:31PM checking in: my trich is still at a very minimal-to-nil place and despite persistent insistent stress. what's working is enlisting my inner good wise parent/guide to gently escort me to better places, actions and perspectives. that said, a couple of things happened where I was reminded of something - something reeeal simple, noting: sometimes I make mistakes. so I offered that to my Self for honest self-reflection and kind understanding and perspective. I can be hard on myself. so this was an opportunity to deliver some care. a rarity. so. self-compassion and expanded care is my gentle humanistic goal. though a bit new for me . . I can do that!
02 08 2026 1:07PM checking in . . as with some days, I'm feeling inward internal, in quiet silence. a bit lost, then adrift. then free-floating. anonymous, empty yet full. tracing the jagged wayward direction-lines in my life. blurry, crystal clear, emorpheous, unending yet finite, and limited. featureless yet pregnant with meaning. reminding my Self to not panic, don't be quick to judge or conclude. or disassociate. I'm curious, creative and observant. I can let the moods, shades and hues simply do their thing, hold presence - then fly away. I've done some creative writing, meditated, making some quick vegetable curry and - be thoughtful. and quiet and be present. insight: I can pause, not know, find worth and value without critical action, crisis mgmt, and identity assigning. I can let life and sensation wash through or around me. and be present. and be me.
02 15 2026 3:15AM very much in touch with my sadness hurt anger frustration overwhelment isolation. + foundational trauma n how that's found expression in significant area of my life.
02 15 2026 3:43AM check in, very very stressed, with a very lil increase in my trich, but gently n lightly aand swiftly modulated n escorted my way to the extremely minimal to nil "state" I've become used to. meditating 10min+ each morning, creative writing, qigong and or walk in the afternoons are all helping. plus embarked on a new art project, which is nice. been desiring pencil drawing too, which is very healthful for me since I was a kid. that kid, hurt sad abandoned neglected inventive creative resourceful brave independent, is still with me. in me wherever I am. evolving. I like n love him very much. and feel he holds intrinsic worth n value. grieving is a missing piece. precarity is completely traumatic. will remain present, curious and in my heart space - my soul space.
02 18 2026 3:57PM check-in, at the risk of stating the obvious, gonna break the ice here and address something very basic, perhaps the first layer of grief n grieving and yeah, that's feeling a deep and profound sadness, oft times nonspecific or a collage of many different experiences, wishes, longings, needs, wastelands, deserts, confusion, conflict, frustrations. the bewilderment and of The Child, abandoned, left to figure it all out, navigate thorny, sometime vague and vaguely dangerous emotional psychic and spiritual terrain. a helplessness. sometimes only a deep breath or many, qigong, reminding ones Self of intrinsic worth, drawing or writing creatively and being the wise thoughtful inner parent to gently guide one (me) into more fairer more reasonable ground. and yeah, what helps is reminding my Self that hey, I don't have to do this perfectly. this is a human journey. human consciousness organically wanting to heal. and yes . . wanting simply to be.