dreamflection

7:02 am (3 am'sh Mickey snoring)

7:04 am (4 am'sh Mickey laying in my arms)

7:05 am (5 am'sh Mickey on his back arms up and or praying mantis deferment position come hither looks love in his eyes wanting, er, vaunting make that vamping fer luv pets affection n of course I comply, I mean . . who culd blame us?)

7:08 am (5 am'sh 6 am'sh morning light, light pink tangerine colour into darkness n there he is lookin at me. more pets looks coos n deep philosophical thots regarding love fragility precarity isolation social fabric place connection nonconnection crisis n beingness, um, among other things. yet still. Mickey. and at the end of the day. Love)

7:18 am trauma survival thots, tho I thot this was going to be a different entry here, oh, and I did have anxiety dreams. certainly more these days and more in general at this stage in my life, as I didn't have them so much or at all for much of my life, but.

but there were a couple of repetitive anxiety dreams I'd have as a kid on occasion, and yes how did I get from fur cuddle luv to

7:25 am . . here, and well, thas liveblogging for ya, no take backs, and those kid anxiety dreams usually were

I'm in the back seat and mom is driving in the LA hills somewhere, it's pretty steep, going up. then stop. then car rolling backwards, then right off the cliff.

heading downwards. the waking up before full fckn impact. yecch and. ugh.

scary anxiety dream on repeat on occasion but scary nonetheless. clearly . .

control or lack of control. helplessness. danger or unsafety in my mom's care. I'm in the backseat, or rather, my care n safety is a backseat priority to my mom's issues narcissism neurosis trauma etc etc

just a thot.

the other anxiety dream on repeat

really . . the dream is of my mom as a young girl. 1950s. really . .

it's just that.

it's seeing my mom as a young girl. seeing who she is. seeing who she held inside her.

her eyes

seeing her eyes

seeing her eyes as a young girl

seeing her eyes and in them seeing what she saw in her eyes

what she went through

the hurt pain neglect trauma abuse

the uncare

discarded unvalued untreasured

the treasure that she kept in her eyes

in the dream I see her, I see her eyes

zooming in to her eyes

in to her life

her life that she held in her

I see my mom as a person

and through this dream I wake up crying

8:57 am I'm all over the place today and yup, in general these days. tho still. trying n maintaining, sustaining at various lengths of time levels of poise, being feeling to centered n grounded, reigning in the panic, the fear, yet

yet

acknowledging my anger, my outrage, my objection

I object!

I feel defiant.

strangely or unstrangely enough, well, naturally enough

I feel strong.

I am strong.

and I have enough love n love strength within me, the stuff that I've preserved, the stuff that I've treasured, held dear and dearly personal n deep

spiritual n true

the stuff of life

and a life worth experiencing, sharing, finding strength in and clarity and the instinct to question even these things and beyond as I am a

curious cosmic consciousness, a

cosmic creature

n part of some fabric of, well

something that is beautiful and yes

about love

there is nature and the nature of love all around and hey just look at it

just experience it

just

just

just be