autumnal nulling life knell
7:14 am thirst day slept chamber 18 2025. weird dream this morning, but dont remember. well theyre all weird, lets face it.
around 12:30, 1 am? last night we heard a loud fairly steady shriek, clearly an animail in the deep back of our backyard. Mickey heard it and was jumping in windows to identify it. we all ended up in the bathroom, actually Mickey was crowded out by us due to our curiosity, and so we huddled and listened. hmm, lets see if I can
skkreeiuoeeskch !!!
well. its hard to mimic here n now. and then, er, at the time, tho it ctossed my mind for a split second to simply get my cell, tap on the dolby recorder and yeah record it, the sound and the moment were so captivating riveting magnetizing I and we just got swept up into the sound
skkreeiuoeeskch !!!
more of a call, warning. perhaps in pain or defiance of some other animal
first we thought it was bird, like a hawk, but larger, more um wilder grander more dangerous
then quickly we felt it was a cat, a wild cat, a bob cat
skkreeiuoeeskch !!!
I mean it was such a sound, such a shriek!
amazing dangerous sound
pulling us in
pulling us out of our lives
pulling us deep within our minds, our memories, our imaginations
our fears
and attractions
pulling us deep within ourselves
pulling us, putting us with
a dare sounding in the backyard
in the background
the distance
shriek-blaring into me
a blinding pulse or sound
Life pulse sounding into me
a wish
to pulse something out of me
a sound cry warning disbelief belief cry careening into me
calling into no one everyone
even me
especially me
strange listening the night
daring to keep us here
within their sound
our sound
8:05 am I want to go check out the backyard. will go (I think), but funny how I don't want to dispell the spell
through understanding n knowledge n realization tho
these are beckoning sounds too
all natural sounds
but that mystery sound is so sweet
ok will go outside now
8:47 am
Wish Me Luck
And there isn't a sad bone in my body. What with my bones, just some of them, don't worry, no worries here, now. What with my bones poking out of myself, half glistening in the morning sun, the other half giving off a sweet fresh meat heat, well all half bloody then. But well it is still me, you know.
Me laying out in the sun. Just like I did in California. Though, tan and more on the living breathing side along the Santa Monica sands leaning into the Pacific rim. Rim of the ocean where I was born.
I'm here in Connecticut. New England, so they say. As I lay dying and drying out in the new morning sun. Flies buzzing around their next meal, a sampler of me. Silly surps that I assume are happening loudly if it were'nt for all the buzzing around here. And now.
Now is the time I take my final breaths and take in the sun and see our cat Mickey for the last time or the last time I'm alive at least from this angle, on the back lawn, laying here in the raggedy nor raggedy grass that needs a mow, in a week or two. I'm in love with our cat. And why shouldn't it be so. Him being so cute n all. Still feral inside. I'm here with a slice of smile and real love for, well, cuteness.
And to think is was a cat who, um, put me down today, this summery early Augustine morning. All of the morning verging into Autumn. Heck, I
I just sunseted my Autumn into heaven knows what. I'll know. In a few.
4:28 am swept lumber hey 19 2025. after S got up, she did some quick research online (she's a great resesrcher) and figured out the shriek in our backyard was
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well, it was beautiful to find out, but besutiful n evocative as a mystery n I'm jus gonna keep it that way here.
6:50 am just wana state here n perfectly clear that
I have an intense n complete fear of broken glass
but
after many long mostly brokenglassless years I'm getting over it. in bits. or shards. or whatever.
it's really the only phobia I've really had, that I can think of.
rivaled only by the 2 quick videos I've seen on xtwitter on separate occasions [once not knowing what I was getting into. the second time after telling myself that well I'll just check this one out to confirm that I don't want to see this and yep confirmed. and these were 2 vids of whatever genre that were grainy black n white cruddy grainy homemade video of person's eyeview kinda rummaging around an old house or basement or something before coming across some fiendscaryinbredmonstercaptive in a nightgown or jammies and the entire thing is as if it being escorted briskly to this, uh, ur doom! and the entire thing is truly nightmarish to me, and must reach deep inside myself to where I simply cannot cope or distance or compartmentalize my way out or through! oh! and one other vid which is a clip also on xtwitter from the recenty version of Nosfratu which fuckin scared and haunted the wits outta me in to the point where I had to block it outta my mind AND block the lure of wanting to revisit it IN MY MIND FER CRYIN OUT LOUD just to confirm I don't want to revisit it IN MY MIND OR ANYWHERE again cuz it's too frikkin scary and yes. confrikkinfirmed!]
but anyhoo
my fear of broken glass or stepping on or getting broken glass slivers or shards in my fingers hands eyes toes foot is waning.
a bit.
which is to say
I broke some glass yesterday.
7:44 am dreamt about trying to bond with a guy over previous SST records [records-ship, music genres fixationfandomwhatev], tryin to become friends n all. which is pretty loaded for me due to
S. association with a best friend from 90s n our fond warm associations with SST records
S. our reconnection in the past year, then disconnection cuzza a few things not gonna get into it here or just yet anyway
T. my difficulty making friends with males and its probable association with trauma thanks to papa issues, see: abandonment, waste, unlove, uh, waste
12:49 pm here's the revelation today and it's stark and I'm blue
When your dad rejects you, especially when you're a kid or a baby. You grow up feeling you're disposable. Worth nothing.
flat out
noth —
7:42 am sat sep twenty tooth ow sand tent heat vibe
STEREOJAB
You should see how it sounds on Bee Mountain.
Not that I would know. I've never hit a b in my life.
I stand up there and look good and sing. Then stand up there and look good look and sneer. The guitar is just a prop. I smile occasionally. If what I'm looking at I want to have later. Which works pretty ok. Fuckin better than ok. Through next morning. Then on into the night.
Between next morning and the night tho, I dunno what. But it's Cocoon in those gossamar sheets, baby butterfly. Try the shower. Stay free.
The joint in the cd on the fresh folded towel is a pretty rad touch. No doubt to remember me by.
But between the next morning and on into the night, Bee Mountain, bra. Just what do I mean?
Here's what they don't tell you . .
Howbout a fitfull rare sleep in wild roses.
Oh and there aint fuckin bees. There fuckin rad lots of them. All out in force. All out to get to me. Cuz now I smell like roses or something. Probably the neon sunscreen. Whatever bees see smell or do. Make honey. Sting. Or be saved.
10:57 am Swumsay Swupt Umber Twin Tea Won 202liveblogginit
gonna finish my lil creative piece STEREOJAB sometime, when the mood hits. But
here I am outside, a coolness in the air here in New England (izzit that New?), light cool breeze, the sun, the shade. A windchime I strung up a few days ago zen abstracting the atmosphere, which is Peace. which is Good. good goodness.
sad goodness too.
a chipmunk spied me. a neighbor sneezed. the tomatos we planted are getting plump, bruising with pastel greens, bright reds, deep grape purples flaming out of the greens like hotroded art.
I know this chipmunk is still spying me.
11:10 am I'm looking forward to finishing my writing piece.
lots o stuff going on. lots o tuff stuff going on.
but I feel good about writing my writing. my writing writing my writing. my writing
writing me.
and I'm enjoying liveblogging or whatever this is, uh, again.
I'm enjoying writing with pckt dot blog.
simplicity.
9:55 am monday sept 22 2025 quietude. oit here. in the backyard. the fall. the fall chill gathering in my ear. chirp chirps are in the air. feel calm. despite the odds. my mutant gene, my rebel gene. my artist gene. with me
until the beginning.
life is basic, true and beginning. standing still, getting up, running at away or towards. embracing the seasons inside. braving the elements inside. from within.
loving my Self inside. from within.
finding out who I am, who we are. now.
now until
or through
or right up to it
tippy toes on that edge, on that precipice
windchill gathering around my ears
it whispers something
I open my eyes n mouth to say
free
5:20 pm tuesdaysep232025
jus got hip to IndieWeb Carnival with the theme . .
second person birds
I luv how weird n abstract those words hangin n slangin together are n may give it a go, with a babies breath of an idea already LIVE! upon arrival.
we'll see how it comes together and or falls apart, which I don't discourage. I like all the fine entries thus far too n lookin forward to delving into them further, plus whatever new ones fly by. the writers seem really interesting n creative.
neat!
6:11 am oh 9 oh 25 oh 2025 LIVE! alive
gotta few drafts going n really. it's jus nice to liveblog right here, right now, as it's kinda centering for me in a way.
I must say that the indieweb thing is completely enchanting with me, er, to me, um no, with me. for a number of reasons. tho I'm a fish outta water, as I have no code writing skills. and not enchanted with indieweb like Nature, which is really the ultimate, so maybe enchantment isn't the word. but. a creative enchantment. an artistic one, and yeah
a rebelious one.
this is thr indieweb for me.
a sweet rebellion.
I've actually been aware of it, having checked it out since, oh maybe 2020, 2021.
I'm enjoying being a new explorer. and hope to go further n produce some things.
it would be great if I can find a mentor. I hope I can. I will search n reach out.
6:54 am cascading up? 2025 26 09 realizing wondering that I um. seems uh appears to be hmm. well
wish to create my lil ibfiewebf sprite
but howf?
willfpowger.
also wana mention that I had a dream where I was at a restaurant, things were bustling n cheery. wandered to the kitchen area, kidded around with 2 of the servers, both gals very funny n sarcastic. manager walked in, instant funny rapport all around, laughs all around. then. then hires me on the spot. smiles laughs all around.
I woke up smiling. and kinda laughing.
and felt good.
7:33 am is pretty good numbers.
I chose the Turkey card last night. My love chose the Crow. Turkey, the give-away. Crow, law.
in the kitchen this morning, it struck me, the itch to write, is like a hunger.
hunger for . .
mark making, expression, exploration, discovery, communicating, pitching a sail, never coming back
returning.
when I die, my words . .
my words, um, well
are they mine still?
if they're read by someone or something
are they mine still?
still . .
the hunger to write.
perhaps
perhaps, the urge is to blend. to mix among the stars, mix with the cosmos, leap astride Nature . . to
make love
words are sensual lines, and yes
words, or writing is
drawing
is art
natural art. flowing from blood, thru body, to hands, thru and out fingers, blood pumped from the heart, bubump bubump, catches some air, mixing
when blood meets air
water cells proteins, essential. essentially my own. essentially everyone elses.
when blood mets air
fibrin
I bring
vibe ring
defy being
I in
fiber in
I being
I being when I bring
the give-away
blood art writing, being when I'm sharing
Edvard Munch, The Girl by the Window, 1893
Edvard Munch sharing.
8:17 am
the sun breaking through, breaking bread with the body. the rain of 2 days greeting morning of sun, ready to dry and become invisible, unreadable, already ready read n felt n avoided. hey. let's jump out of the rain. we do it. stay dry, mostly. mostly out of the rain.
cobalt blue cadmium yellow viridian green synthetic ultramarine
1893
when blood meets air
The clotting cascade involves several proteins that interact with one another in a series of complex reactions leading to fibrin formation. This network traps red cells and helps solidify what was once liquid blood into a gel-like substance that eventually hardens as it dries out.
cobalt blue cadmium yellow viridian green synthetic ultramarine
and rain drying up
Artists have long used dried pigments derived from natural sources including animal products in their works; these pigments often mimic shades found within dried human or animal tissues adding depth and realism that resonates emotionally with viewers.In literature too, references abound regarding dried blood symbolizing death or sacrifice—powerful images evoking strong emotional responses through their stark visual representations reflecting humanity’s complex relationship with life and mortality itself!
9:55 am sun day, after the rain 2025 28 09
the lone tomato out there. out among the other tomatos. the lone mullein plant. fuzzy muted serene. clearing the air with its softness, its
kindness.
its kind.
quiet out here in the backyard. a quiet noise. soft hard caws, steady buzz crickets or something. really a forest noise symphony and quite avant garde at that. the haroooo n bark of the neighbors dogs, uh, cutting into the muzak soundscape. the noisescape. and the dogs annoys-scape. dog Dada. outraging the one audience out here. me.
good thing I dig Dada.
I guess I dig dog Dada too.
but the mullein, huh, I dunno.
the mullein jus clearin the air round here. softening things. a gentle vintage botanical illustration kissing the wind.
I remember the softness of some vintage paper. my fingers have touched so much as I've grown across the land, the cities, built space, green space, food n furniture. plants n people of all sizes.
born to be intimate with the world. and right through the beginning, right on through death, to touch . . what?
I'll know. I'll know.
7:05 am tue sep 30 2025 hey jus want to get in there that, after observing things, closely, from afar, at a distance, from different angles, again n again
bigger is not better
more is not more
1 is 1 is not bad but good is 0 is 0 and 1 also and 0 aint so bad but good 2
and 2 is 2 and 1 also if ur lucky cuz thatz good
good is good
bad is bad but lets face it
cryin out to be good, er, at least I think
think is thunk all over and the heart
and the heart
and the heart is a good thing and
being human is being all heart
whether we like it or not
cuz to be human is to know you are alive, you, are living, and, everything is living, and you and I are, well, we are all heart alive and living and
we know we are going to die, er, or whatever that is, but thatz part of the dealio, um, bout being alive, that is to say
we will die n thatz probably a beginning, or, so, it feels, just a hunch, anyway
and knowing that
we are going to die, we
we
we still love
we
fall
in love
knowing
we are going to die
and so
therz gonna be a goodbye in the somewhere
maybe a few
if ur lucky
and we are going to die
with all the goodbyes n stuff
cuz thatz love
thatz living n dying n being alive
loving
even tho
the goodbyes
being human
sad n beautiful
1 n 1